is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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