Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
