You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
