party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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