So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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