i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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