I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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