there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
