Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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