As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
