i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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