and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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