the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
