Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
They took my balls.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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