She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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