My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
