You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
