My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
