i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
