Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
