my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
you never un-have a 4some
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
