he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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