I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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