I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
