he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
