Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
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