I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
