you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
That accounts for only three of the penises
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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