She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
