the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
