why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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