He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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