I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
