This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
