remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
