Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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