you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
