felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
