Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
