Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
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