now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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