I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
