Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
