Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
