Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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