My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I have post one night stand depression
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