sarcasm needs its own font
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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