Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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