He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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