Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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