I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
