Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
