He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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