What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
